This is me... [entries|friends|calendar] Lady A [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Le Sigh. [09 Nov 2006|01:27pm] It’s truthfully the expectations that I’m nervous about. A vast majority of the time expectations ruin experience, whether you know it or not. And there isn’t really anything you can do about them. They will always be there because curiosity can’t exist without them. You can’t wonder about something if you have no idea what it is. But at the same time you can’t wonder about it if you think that you know what it is and there is no exploration in that. Expectations get in the way. They create this picture in your mind of what something is and they create two possibilities for when you find out what it really is it can either be everything that you expected or it isn’t. Neither one of these is completely bad or good. If something is what you expect you can be content with it. It fulfills your expectations and that satisfies you, but there is something missing in that. What really is the point of discovering what you already knew? It’s boring, it’s stagnation. But the other side is no land of sunshine and rainbows. If you have expectations and they are not fulfilled you’re almost always disappointed. You end up wondering where the bells and whistles are that you imagined. The creations of your imagination come crashing down on you and the only thing you can do is shake your head and walk away because no one can live in a collapsed fairytale. There is however this slight chance that all expectations will be falsified. That you will not find anything that you expected at all, but instead you can find something surprising. But the good kind of surprise that makes you stop and smile. And that surprise is the best part, because really, how many things actually make you stop? Those stop and smile moments are few and far between. love me.

[20 Aug 2006|12:27am] [ mood | thoughtful ] Gina Fink. I mean that's why. love me.

[04 Jul 2006|12:57am] [ mood | thoughtful ] life... those who come in those who leave quick and those who keep coming back for more. they are what make it. and that is all it is. people. as much as you just want some of them to either stay and push themselves back into your life and those you want to just be gone. sometimes they are one in the same. I can't think. I want to sleep. damn bars. Happy Birthday to me. I know you love me.

[21 Jun 2006|10:54pm] ummmm I went to New York. not the City. that's all. I know you love me.

[30 May 2006|10:48am] [ mood | thoughtful ] "...seemed to live, go down, or die according to its own schemata. In the morning, however, it always saw fit to die." love me.

[18 May 2006|11:28pm] [ mood | indescribable ] "pancake maker and apartment tidier, such as a girl that can drink a pint! and enjoy it! and someone who isn't pretenious in anyway and the most down to earth 'gal'! oh and has a cracking smile! so i dub thee ' Lady A'!" Judas. All I can do is shake my head. I know you love me.

if it's not yours it's safe [15 May 2006|01:00am] [ mood | Lost ] I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been noticing things. Things that are the same mostly. How I am. How others are. How they are the same. Sometimes the smallest things make me sad. Sometimes it's a horrible cycle. But then sometimes it's not sad at all. Tonight I played games with my parents. And seriously had fun. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately that make me feel like a horrible person. The kind of thoughts where you think it and then just step back and think wow I can't believe that. The kind that make you question what is wring with yourself. I've been seeing my actions differently. I still can't figure out what I am supposed to do about it though. I don't know how to deal with it mostly. Things are strange. I don't know how I feel about it. It's horrible that eveything is so dicouraging to me lately. I have and am spending so much time seeing what other people have and wanting that that I don't do what I need to do for me. I am missing the point I think. I've been lying a lot. Mostly to myself. I make excuses for people. Mostly to myself. I have been justifying actions of others for them. And for myself. But I don't know what to do with it is true that I just messed up. Or they did. Or whatever. Repulsive. I hate how emo this all sounds and how sad or upset it makes me seem. I am not. I want to go to a park and take pictures. I want to just see how they turn out. I don't know if I have it. What if I give it up? Is that what I want to do? So there it is. It seems like it could be good. It has been there for a long time. But It scares me. For many reasons. Is it the same thing as what I already had? That didn't make me very happy. But was it supposed to? What was wrong with that? That still hurts. Do you understand this? Explain it to me. Please. love me.

The best day of my life [07 May 2006|11:27pm] [ mood | rejuvenated ] so as it turns out I actually just had one of the best weekends of my LIFE! So last night I had my welocme home party. It was great. There were so many people that I love in one place. And of course we were drinking. We had to get a second keg. We had leftovers. I led to an afternoon of WONDERFUL. I spent all day laying in my backyard with some of my favorite people in the whole world. We finished the keg. Then we went to Derrick's to watch HOSTEL. Bad movie. I laughed harder than I have laughed in sooo long. I was sad to be home for most of the week. Now I'm glad to be back. It's not going to be so bad. I hope it stays like this. By the way. I am living in a sweet apartment complex next year. As soon as I figure out what I am going to put down on the employment form... shit. I love it. Thank you. Yeah you know who you are and why I am thanking you. I know you love me.

I want to cry. [20 Apr 2006|11:22pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | Chiodos ] So this is all I get for feedback from my first paper in my 18th Century English Class... (mind you I've been traveling for over 15 hours when I read this) 1/ all of you need to sharpen your written style - all of you use colloquialisms (in other words, non-academic expressions, conversational speech, or slang).You should not. Some of you are worse than others at this (one of you is very bad indeed at this). You should look to Caroline's essay for a relatively decent model of academic style. 2/ All of you need to improve your actual literary analysis. It's often easy to start talking about cultural or historical or even general background; and while this can be good and indeed is required, don't forget your are also writing a literary analysis - these are literary texts, so treat them as such. Use plenty of quotation from the texts your are studying and make sure you don't just comment or describe, but analyse. What the hell do you do with that? I don't even know what it means, but I guess I'll just write another one and hope I don't fail. I know you love me.

[16 Apr 2006|07:24pm] pam where are you? I know you love me.

chubbers [16 Apr 2006|07:18pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Oh how I miss it. ] I just ate a wonderful Easter dinner with my good friends Angela and Dan. Yummm I feel chubby! I like it. o Um... I'm still in Greece. I'm working on looking hispanic with this killer tan I've got going on. I have a shit ton of work to do for school and I just keep not doing it. It's really stressing me out. Ok at the end of dinner they brought out shots for us of Naxos Rum and I think I've got a bit of a buzz off it. Dan and I went out to the bars around here the other night. I got shit tanked. It was another one of those bottle of wine before heading out. And a double shot of Bacardi. Hummm... and then a giant Long Island.... I don't remember walking home.... I don't remember the third bar. We went to four appaently. Te he he. I like drunkeness. Um I am coming home in less than 2 weeks!!! That makes me super happy. I get to start living real life again. Yes! Ok. My 15 mins is up. Love and hugs baby! I know you love me.

[01 Apr 2006|12:10am] [ music | crazy mae ] Two days and I've not slept a wink with these thoughts that I've been thinking. This is the mark I aim to miss (again). You toss and turn, I lie awake. Who knows what I've been drinking. Another cheap, meaningless kiss (to give). From the beginning, dulled down and lost with all it's charm. I just want to wake up, wake up in someone's... I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. Six days and I can see the same brown eyes in this reflection. Is this man you say I'll be (become)? You toss and turn, I lie awake. Into the sand we're sinking. Holding us back from breathing free (I'm done). From the beginning, dulled down and lost with all it's charm. I just want to wake up, wake up in someone's... I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. i just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up. More than words, you keep to yourself. Like a curse that fares thee well. One man came. One truth to tell. All this blame. Hammers your way to hell. I've got a feeling It's not the safest place to start. The heavy breathing, it seems we're better off breaking hearts. From the beginning, dulled down and lost with all it's charm. I just want to wake up, wake up in someone's... I just want to wake up (I just want to wake up). I justwant to wake up. I justwant to wake up (I just want to wake up). I justw ant to wake up. I just want to wake up (I just want to wake up). I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up (I just want to wake up). I justw ant to wake up. I just want to wake up in someone else's arms I know you love me.

[31 Mar 2006|11:07am] Stop making the eyes at me, I'll stop making the eyes at you And what it is that surprises me, is that I don't really want you too I leave for ITALY tomorrow morning! AND we sorted out the problems with transport in GREECE so headed to Naxos Island I am! love and hugs I still haven't finished my shakespeare paper! Anyone who wants to read it and give me some suggestions is plenty welcome to! I know you love me.

[30 Mar 2006|01:20pm] I miss my summer perfume. I know you love me.

Forget eachother's names and just walk away. [15 Mar 2006|12:56pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Chiodos ] I suck at life right now. That's all. I know you love me.

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